All ye unmarried ladies, get married. Hey, don't get me wrong, I know what I am talking about! Am I married? No, but I.. Am I out of my mind? No, not that either. But really, I have thought this our thoroughly before putting it forth. But oh, wait, are you studying? Because then you better scuttle back to your books, this is of no pratical use to you. Are you working? Do you have a boss you hate? Of course you have a boss you hate! Well then, read on. And after that, get married.
The meaning of marriage in my mind is simple. Here's what you do. Find a guy who earns well and assures you that he will be a loving and caring husband. Sign a deal with him which entitles you to at least a third of his salary every month. Then, marry him. Now, your husband is your employer and your boss. Also, your income is not taxable.
Now, enter the green pastures. Wake up with him in the morning, fix him a breakfast and pack him a lunch. Then, when he has left, treat yourself to a lazy breakfast. Then if you wish, go back to sleep. Yes, I know - you can actually do that - sleep while your boss works. Then you wake up when you please, shout a bit at your housemaid and get the real work done. Tidy up the place a bit. Play some nice music and take a luxurious bath. Then cook your favourite lunch and eat in your own sweet time, watching TV. Then you are free to read a book, learn to play the drums, take a walk in the park, or pursue any hobby. Then when the sun sets, you make some nice snack for your beloved and get ready to welcome the tired boss home. Make him comfortable, fix him a long bath or give him a massage. Make his favourite dinner. Pamper him. It shouldn't be so tough, you have had a beautiful day, haven't you?
On weekends, laze away with him. Call his mother - it will take 5 minutes, or maybe 30. While talking to her, remember your lazy afternoon and remember they are worth this. This and a few more aunts.
On some days, you would be bored of cooking. How do you handle that? You raise your voice a teensy bit, and say this - "I've been cooped up in this house ALL THE TIME. I'm so frustrated! I want some change!!" He will say, "Oh dear! I'm so sorry. Lets go out today! Is that okay?" Then you say okay, because you know its too good a deal. Imagine saying all this to a boss elsewhere and pulling it off.
Sounds like a great deal, doesn't it? But if you ask me the best part of it all, it's this - if you think you can't handle any of this, just be good to him in bed. In most of the cases, thats all it would take.
P.S. It doesn't work out with kids. Don't have them.
P.P.S. Don't let your current boss read this. Neither your husband.
P.P.P.S. Sarcasm. Go back to work.
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Wordly Woes
Rcntly, n infinitly annoyng habt has bcum ncreasngly prevalnt amng yngsters (n evn d eldr ppl spendin 2 mch time on d intrnet). Her Im talkin abt d habt of usin 'sms n intrnet lingo', typcally a modificatn of english in which most f d vwls (read vowels) r redndnt n most f d spellngs dstrted. While d omission f vowels arose coz f celfones n twittr, d spellng distortns containin d same no. f wurds don mak much sense.
And either way, none of them are easy to read, as you would have realised to your exasperation while reading the above paragraph. Yeah, yeah, I know, recent studies have proven that the human brain can decipher any word with letters jumbled. But when you sit down to relish your few minutes of facebooking after a long day, you hope to utilise your mental faculties for something better than decoding the intricate spellings. For example, how on this earth do you hope to be enlightened enough to know that 'ma' should be read as 'my'? For a long time, I thought 'ma' in India means Mommy, until finally wisdom dawned upon me and the codes started making sense. Also, I had made peace with 'ya' meaning yes (It should be 'yeah', people, though its ok, I can live with it.) But when people started using 'ya' at the end of every sentence, I lost it again. Then one fine day, I woke up and realised that 'ya' now stands for 'yaar'. Apparently, thats how Englishmen and Americans would pronounce it. (No, they won't. They would pronounce it as 'man' or 'buddy'. But that's ok too.)
Speaking of pronountiations, I know how 'its' and 'girls' are pronounced in English, but can someone throw light upon the pronountiation of 'gurlz', 'itz', 'iz', 'izz', 'itzzz' etc.? Also, would you explain me the meaning of 'helloz' and 'okies', or the logic behind 'n1'? (Can I start using b1, because most of the ones are not n1?)
Oh, I almost forgot this one - why is 'e' written as '3'? And what am I supposed to make of words written LiKe tHiS? They seem annoying. But are they supposed to be preEttY or fAshIOnAblE?
So here I am, absolutely vexed and totally clueless about this all-pervasive ever-changing database. And all those dear people who made me take the pains to write all this, I know you are too much into this usage to let go of it now. So lets make a pact. You won't call your language English, not even internet English, Short English, or something as cheesy. (Think of English as a patented word.) You call it something else, and we, the language lovers, don't bother you about it. You can also write blogs, books, dictionaries and thesauruses in your language ; we will try to read them if they are worth it. You can also have awards for the best works in your language - The Least Number of Vowels Award, The Most Innovative Short Form Award, etc.
On a closing note, I would like to say just this - The educated, the intellectuals, the productive ones will always use English as it is, because they have read a lot and typing the right words is a part of their psyche. You might think your language is for the busy people. It isn't. if you were that busy, you wouldn't tweet so much as to get addicted to this language. You might think that such usage shows a modern bearing and a 'cool' attitude. It doesn't. Following others randomly without thinking is the opposite of modern. Your language, I believe, is for people who have a misguided notion of cool and a craving for showing off a fake accent. On second thoughts though, perhaps its just for people who have forgotten the classroom English in this endless stream of junk. I no, I hd cn it cumin.
And either way, none of them are easy to read, as you would have realised to your exasperation while reading the above paragraph. Yeah, yeah, I know, recent studies have proven that the human brain can decipher any word with letters jumbled. But when you sit down to relish your few minutes of facebooking after a long day, you hope to utilise your mental faculties for something better than decoding the intricate spellings. For example, how on this earth do you hope to be enlightened enough to know that 'ma' should be read as 'my'? For a long time, I thought 'ma' in India means Mommy, until finally wisdom dawned upon me and the codes started making sense. Also, I had made peace with 'ya' meaning yes (It should be 'yeah', people, though its ok, I can live with it.) But when people started using 'ya' at the end of every sentence, I lost it again. Then one fine day, I woke up and realised that 'ya' now stands for 'yaar'. Apparently, thats how Englishmen and Americans would pronounce it. (No, they won't. They would pronounce it as 'man' or 'buddy'. But that's ok too.)
Speaking of pronountiations, I know how 'its' and 'girls' are pronounced in English, but can someone throw light upon the pronountiation of 'gurlz', 'itz', 'iz', 'izz', 'itzzz' etc.? Also, would you explain me the meaning of 'helloz' and 'okies', or the logic behind 'n1'? (Can I start using b1, because most of the ones are not n1?)
Oh, I almost forgot this one - why is 'e' written as '3'? And what am I supposed to make of words written LiKe tHiS? They seem annoying. But are they supposed to be preEttY or fAshIOnAblE?
So here I am, absolutely vexed and totally clueless about this all-pervasive ever-changing database. And all those dear people who made me take the pains to write all this, I know you are too much into this usage to let go of it now. So lets make a pact. You won't call your language English, not even internet English, Short English, or something as cheesy. (Think of English as a patented word.) You call it something else, and we, the language lovers, don't bother you about it. You can also write blogs, books, dictionaries and thesauruses in your language ; we will try to read them if they are worth it. You can also have awards for the best works in your language - The Least Number of Vowels Award, The Most Innovative Short Form Award, etc.
On a closing note, I would like to say just this - The educated, the intellectuals, the productive ones will always use English as it is, because they have read a lot and typing the right words is a part of their psyche. You might think your language is for the busy people. It isn't. if you were that busy, you wouldn't tweet so much as to get addicted to this language. You might think that such usage shows a modern bearing and a 'cool' attitude. It doesn't. Following others randomly without thinking is the opposite of modern. Your language, I believe, is for people who have a misguided notion of cool and a craving for showing off a fake accent. On second thoughts though, perhaps its just for people who have forgotten the classroom English in this endless stream of junk. I no, I hd cn it cumin.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Like Poles
Opposites Attract, goes a well known modern proverb. This one is widely used among youngsters to describe some pairs of people belonging to opposite sexes in various stages of relationship (friendship, friendship tending to love, timepass, love, love tending to marriage, etc.). People generally say this when the guy and girl in question have seemingly opposite characteristics. Typically the girl is chirpy, the guy is silent; the girl is short-tempered, the guy is cool; the girl is an artist, the guy is a nerd... many such combinations. Then Science steps in to support them, and the theory is established. Opposites attract.
But I beg to differ. Somehow, it doesn't fit. I mean, imagine this conversation (Assume the guy to be trying to attract the girl):
Guy: Hey, wassup? what plans for tonight?
Girl: Well, all my friends are hardcore FIFA followers, they all are gonna watch the match. And I hate football, so presently, no plans :|
Guy: You hate football?! Hey, guess what? I looove football! Wow, we are already opposites :D Shouldn't we be attracted?
Not at all attractive :-P
A better conversation would be:
Guy: Hey! I hate football too! So what say, we sit and talk over a cuppa where there's no noise of the fans shouting?
Girl: Sure! I love Back-IC, its generally very silent. What do you think?
Guy: Back-IC is one of my favourites! So, 4.30?
Girl: Cool!
Cool!
Personally, I believe that atleast in the initial stages of a relationship, the stage when the attraction starts, the similarities attract. How cool is it, to discover that the beautiful girl you steal glances at, is an atheist, just like you? Or the cute guy you had a crush on, loves peaceful places, just like you do? Perhaps, a little more down the relationship lane, you start to like the opposites, and therein comes the second part of my theory: Opposites keep the attraction intact. They kinda act as a glue between the similar particles held together by attractive forces.
So concluding this theory, Likes attract and Opposites keep together! After all, scientifically speaking, the universe is governed by a force that speaks of small attraction between similar particles, and not by the huge force of attraction between the opposites!
But I beg to differ. Somehow, it doesn't fit. I mean, imagine this conversation (Assume the guy to be trying to attract the girl):
Guy: Hey, wassup? what plans for tonight?
Girl: Well, all my friends are hardcore FIFA followers, they all are gonna watch the match. And I hate football, so presently, no plans :|
Guy: You hate football?! Hey, guess what? I looove football! Wow, we are already opposites :D Shouldn't we be attracted?
Not at all attractive :-P
A better conversation would be:
Guy: Hey! I hate football too! So what say, we sit and talk over a cuppa where there's no noise of the fans shouting?
Girl: Sure! I love Back-IC, its generally very silent. What do you think?
Guy: Back-IC is one of my favourites! So, 4.30?
Girl: Cool!
Cool!
Personally, I believe that atleast in the initial stages of a relationship, the stage when the attraction starts, the similarities attract. How cool is it, to discover that the beautiful girl you steal glances at, is an atheist, just like you? Or the cute guy you had a crush on, loves peaceful places, just like you do? Perhaps, a little more down the relationship lane, you start to like the opposites, and therein comes the second part of my theory: Opposites keep the attraction intact. They kinda act as a glue between the similar particles held together by attractive forces.
So concluding this theory, Likes attract and Opposites keep together! After all, scientifically speaking, the universe is governed by a force that speaks of small attraction between similar particles, and not by the huge force of attraction between the opposites!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
All Hail Bollywood!
A few days ago I saw a movie Green Zone, based on the post-Iraq War period. I was discussing the movie with a friend of mine, and out of nowhere we started thinking how the movie would be like if Bollywood directed it!
For those who haven’t seen the movie: Based in post war Baghdad, the story is about a Chief Military Officer (the hero) who, along with his Iraqi Interpreter Freddie, is set upon finding the truth about the weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) supposedly hidden by Saddam’s Government. A (female) Wall Street Journal Correspondent stationed in Baghdad is on the same trail. Inside Story: The Pentagon’s man in Baghdad (the villain) has already been told by Al Rawi, Saddam’s right hand man, that there are no WMDs whatsoever in Iraq anymore. However, the truth is being cautiously hidden from all, and the search for WMDs is now just pretence to establish American leadership in an Oil rich country.
So, if this story was to be made in Bollywood:
1. The movie will actually be a love story set in the background of a war that shook the world.
2. The Pentagon guy (a sleek figure in the actual movie) would be a dangerous looking man, with a huge moustache and a booming voice. Villains have to be scary, see!!
3. The hero’s entrance will be amidst great fanfare; perhaps we will see him as he comes out alive and untouched from a gory fight and lots of gunshots. How else will the people understand that he is the hero?!?
4. Being the only female far and wide in the actual movie, the Wall Street Journal correspondent will be the heroine. She will enter in clothes fitting a fashion model, her hair blowing in the wind and all eyes turning to look at her. She would be the epitome of beauty, and yet a karate champion, of course the best journalist in the world, and oh yes, also a tomboy. Otherwise, why would anyone watch the movie, huh?
5. Every time the hero and heroine meet, there will be eye contact, and awkward moments, followed by a romantic music as they go away from each other.
6. After the hero comes back from the heroine’s room, in the night both the hero and the heroine will lie in their beds, thinking about each other. There will be a song, in which they both will be together in almost every part of the world, changing the dress up every 20 seconds. And for some reason, the lyrics of the song sung by the hero and by the heroine will be the same, though they are so far away.
7. Sometime during or before the final adventure, there will be a ‘Maa’ scene. However, seeing as the hero’s and heroine’s moms are in the US, Freddie’s mom will come to the rescue. She would have lost her husband in the war, but will be brave enough to egg her son on for the country’s good.
8. There will also be a woman whom Freddie loves, perhaps his wife, but she will be a silent woman, loving him from the shadows. Sometimes, love is beyond words…
9. There will be at least 4-5 out of place songs in the movie, including a qawwali, which will inspire the hero, and an item song, to give people one more reason to watch the movie.
10. The villain will laugh boisterously at the hero every time they meet. A boisterous laugh for no reason signifies evil.
11. Somehow the heroine will get caught up in the final fight. Either she will be kidnapped (the villain knows everything!), or she wouldn’t be able to sit still while the love of her life is facing mortal dangers (ahh love…)
12. The hero would be badly injured in the final fight, but he will think of the heroine, and manage to stand up again and fight back (ahh love… again..!)
13. The punch line of the movie by Freddie - “You don’t get to decide what happens in this country” - won’t be one single line. It will be one long speech, which he will have the time to deliver even during the urgency of the fight. Also the last line of his speech will have the name of the movie somewhere.
14. The name of the movie would be changed to something much less sensible than Green Zone.
15. In the end when the hero will mail the truth about Pentagon to everyone, the heroine will see the mail, blush, hesitate, and then run out to meet the hero. The hero, knowingly, will be waiting for her with open arms. She will fall into his arms, they would embrace, the world will revolve around them, and that, dear friends, would be the happy ending: D
Hats Off to Bollywood!
For those who haven’t seen the movie: Based in post war Baghdad, the story is about a Chief Military Officer (the hero) who, along with his Iraqi Interpreter Freddie, is set upon finding the truth about the weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) supposedly hidden by Saddam’s Government. A (female) Wall Street Journal Correspondent stationed in Baghdad is on the same trail. Inside Story: The Pentagon’s man in Baghdad (the villain) has already been told by Al Rawi, Saddam’s right hand man, that there are no WMDs whatsoever in Iraq anymore. However, the truth is being cautiously hidden from all, and the search for WMDs is now just pretence to establish American leadership in an Oil rich country.
So, if this story was to be made in Bollywood:
1. The movie will actually be a love story set in the background of a war that shook the world.
2. The Pentagon guy (a sleek figure in the actual movie) would be a dangerous looking man, with a huge moustache and a booming voice. Villains have to be scary, see!!
3. The hero’s entrance will be amidst great fanfare; perhaps we will see him as he comes out alive and untouched from a gory fight and lots of gunshots. How else will the people understand that he is the hero?!?
4. Being the only female far and wide in the actual movie, the Wall Street Journal correspondent will be the heroine. She will enter in clothes fitting a fashion model, her hair blowing in the wind and all eyes turning to look at her. She would be the epitome of beauty, and yet a karate champion, of course the best journalist in the world, and oh yes, also a tomboy. Otherwise, why would anyone watch the movie, huh?
5. Every time the hero and heroine meet, there will be eye contact, and awkward moments, followed by a romantic music as they go away from each other.
6. After the hero comes back from the heroine’s room, in the night both the hero and the heroine will lie in their beds, thinking about each other. There will be a song, in which they both will be together in almost every part of the world, changing the dress up every 20 seconds. And for some reason, the lyrics of the song sung by the hero and by the heroine will be the same, though they are so far away.
7. Sometime during or before the final adventure, there will be a ‘Maa’ scene. However, seeing as the hero’s and heroine’s moms are in the US, Freddie’s mom will come to the rescue. She would have lost her husband in the war, but will be brave enough to egg her son on for the country’s good.
8. There will also be a woman whom Freddie loves, perhaps his wife, but she will be a silent woman, loving him from the shadows. Sometimes, love is beyond words…
9. There will be at least 4-5 out of place songs in the movie, including a qawwali, which will inspire the hero, and an item song, to give people one more reason to watch the movie.
10. The villain will laugh boisterously at the hero every time they meet. A boisterous laugh for no reason signifies evil.
11. Somehow the heroine will get caught up in the final fight. Either she will be kidnapped (the villain knows everything!), or she wouldn’t be able to sit still while the love of her life is facing mortal dangers (ahh love…)
12. The hero would be badly injured in the final fight, but he will think of the heroine, and manage to stand up again and fight back (ahh love… again..!)
13. The punch line of the movie by Freddie - “You don’t get to decide what happens in this country” - won’t be one single line. It will be one long speech, which he will have the time to deliver even during the urgency of the fight. Also the last line of his speech will have the name of the movie somewhere.
14. The name of the movie would be changed to something much less sensible than Green Zone.
15. In the end when the hero will mail the truth about Pentagon to everyone, the heroine will see the mail, blush, hesitate, and then run out to meet the hero. The hero, knowingly, will be waiting for her with open arms. She will fall into his arms, they would embrace, the world will revolve around them, and that, dear friends, would be the happy ending: D
Hats Off to Bollywood!
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